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Hello to all you web folk. I have been fighting my own private battle for about a year now. What have you been upto? I hope your answer is "No Good". Let's all welcome me back. (who am i kidding?)
How to prevent boners? Haha. If anybody
knew the answer to that, this world would've been a more spacious
place. Why am i talking about this awkward topic? 'Coz it gets pretty
fucking embarrassing that's why. Here are a couple of instances when
i felt like burying my head deep inside my arse and slitting every
vein i can find. Mind you, the fat hides most of them.
So here we go; early morning, say about
half past five-ish. You have just had a dream about that sweet girl
next door you always had a secret crush on. Now, in our schedule,
this time is reserved for “Physical Conditioning”, and as a
direct consequence, we are expected to muster at the football field,
where eventually the late comers get their arse whooped. You walk in
a haze, and somehow manage to keep a your eyes open throughout. The
girl still spinning around in your head, while you think, “Damn
that felt real.” A mad sprint as the gates are about to closed, and
you get shaken up, quite literally everywhere. As you stand, in your
“squad”, you manage a few winks, and try to relive that dream.
Lo, that cutie reappears, and this time its serious. You are about to
make sweet love, when the guy in charge of making us run and do
push-ups shows up in front of you, and you are rudely snapped out of
your reverie. “Why the fuck were you sleeping?”, he asks in his
language of choice. Easy does it, all you have to do is make some
excuse about late night studies right? Hehe, well, he singles you out
in front of everyone, the ladies included, and there you stand, with
a massive boner, barely hidden behind those flimsy PT shorts. You try
everything, but its as persistent as a tumor. Goodmorning indeed.
Study time. In the class, its 40
degrees outside, with a side order of humidity. However, we the
fortunate ones are sitting comfortably in our air conditioned
classes. The downside however is that, after the early morning
fiasco, and the brutal punishment consisting of push ups, duck walks
that you have endured, you tend to doze off. No iffy, till you a get
a stiffy that is. There she is again, this time wearing tempting
lingerie, her pale white skin burning with the desire to be violated.
You make a move towards her, ravenously. Lust oozing out of your
eyes, when all of a sudden you feel a tug. SNAP. Your eyes meet with
the professor's. The guy who woke you up sniggers. The professor,
insulted by this impudence, screams “Stand up!” You get up, but
encounter a little hindrance while doing so. By the time you realise
what the fuck is going on, the whole class is pointing, smirking and
exchanging knowing glances. No point explaining things. “Get out!”,
is the command, you fucking obey it.
Lunch time. The stomach never lies. Its
desperate groans and rumbles can't be ignored for long. You wait for
the bus. The moment it appears over the horizon, there's violent
shuffling, and as the bus pull to a stop, a mob has assembled. Dozens
of hungry people, desperate to eat their meal. Voila! The cute girl
next door you were dreaming about is right next you. Your thoughts
start spiraling, heart rate increases, no i am not stoned. Just plain
fucking horny. As the crowd grow wild, they pack themselves around
the door. Waiting for a chance to pounce into the bus. She is pushed
closer to you. Before you know it, and after its too little too late,
you watch the expression of disgust/ discomfort on her face, and are
enlightened. Your chance comes, and you board the bus. Writhing in
agony as you try to stand beside her in a crowded bus. Alas.
When you finally reach your room, all
you can do is reach out for a cigarette, say to yourself : “God
damn boxers.” and switch on your lap. Time to browse the hidden
folders. Cheers!
